Dose of Laugh

This joke is a real killer! hahaha

The Blonde Will Do Anything!


A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:

"But I don't have that much money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

'Well, then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said, "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out ...," he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well ... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........

"Hello, Mom, can you hear me?"

Don't mess with old ladies!!!


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

GIRL: Forgive me baba I have sinned
PRIEST: What have you done my child?
GIRL: I called a man a son of a b!@#$
PRIEST: Why did you call him a son of a b@#$
GIRL: Because he touched my hand.
PRIEST: Like this? as he touched her hand)
GIRL: Yes father
PRIEST: That's no reason to call a man a son of a b@#$
GIRL: Then he touched my breast.
PRIEST: Like this? as he touched her breast)
GIRL: Yes father.
PRIEST: That's no reason to call him a son of b@#$
GIRL: Then he took off my clothes.
PRIEST: Like this? he takes her clothes off)
GIRL: Yes father.
PRIEST: That's no reason to call him son of b@#$
GIRL: Then he stuck his "YOU KNOW WHAT" into my "you know where.
PRIEST: Like this?" as he stuck his ----! into her ----!
GIRL: YES FATHER,YEES FATHER,YEES FAAAATHER!!
PRIEST: After a few minutes) That's no reason to call him a son of
a b@#$
GIRL: But father he had aids!
PRIEST: OH HOLY SH!T THAT SON OF B@#$

Finding Nemo 2




Rush Hour : The search for Jackie Chan






Matrix : Evolution (see how Neo will evolve)




Matrix VS Shrek





Santa Claus




Star Wars




Titanic : The sequel





Mr. & Mrs. Smith : The Wedding


Sister Act : Wonder what she's watching in the net?

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house'

Question : What is "Globalization"?

Answer : Princess Diana's death .

Question : How come?

Answer : An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was drunk on
Scottish whisky, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzis in
Japanese motorcycles; treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines.
And moreover this is sent to you by a
Noypi , living in
Qatar, using
American (Bill Gates's) technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use software developed by
Indian IT professionals,
Taiwanese chips, and a
Korean monitor, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers in a
Singapore plant, transported by
Pakistani lorry drivers, hijacked by
Indonesians, unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by
Mexican illegals.... .

My friends, that is ''Globalization ''

There was once an englishman and a scotsman who lived next door to each other. The englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the scotsman pick up the egg. The englishman ran up to the scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg. "The scotsman agreed to this and so the english man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you." The englishman said "Keep the !@#%#$@#$!@% egg."

On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".

To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A SEASON PASS?"

watch the clip 'til the end...very funny!

(click picture to view larger)

Sorry, guys if i haven't posted anything for the last two weeks. I was busy on something else (figuring out what is that somehting). Anyway, I am back!

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?’” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my Love Dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered, sensually.

“Your love dress needs ironing” the husband replied.

Worth watching and funny!

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch…
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' What the Bible means? The son replied, 'I do know!''Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?''That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.

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'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.Then, he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.' When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.'The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'

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People want the front of the bus, The back of the church, And The centre of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.' Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.' At that moment, the substitute organist played, 'O Canada.'And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Give me a sense of humour, Lord,Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humour out of life,And pass it on to other folk

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

8. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

9. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

11. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

13. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

14. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

15. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

16. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

17. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

18. Losing a wife can be hard. , it is almost impossible.

19. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

20. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

21. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

22. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

Promise this is a good one!


A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper which read:

"HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. "

On the second day, she heard the doorbell
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair and he had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, “You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs.”

The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

She snorted.. “You don't have any arms either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “Rang the doorbell, didn't I?”

OMG!

Mc Donald's is giving a reward to anyone who can tell the whereabouts of this person - one year supply of hamburger and fries! HAHAHAHAHA

Thanks Herbert for sharing this picture to us.